Saturday, June 18, 2011

Your mother should have told you...

When I was 15, I got my first job.  I worked for a second rate women's clothing store that was not part of the mall.  Which, let's be real was the Laguna Beach of my hometown's retail center.  I saw a LOT of disturbing stuff.  The list includes: people peeing in the fitting room, theft, people hooking up in the fitting room, angry customers, people vomiting in the fitting room, crazy coworkers, and customers' husbands/boyfriends commenting on the level of "back" I have.  It was pretty horrible, and yet, it pails in comparison to some of the things you will see as a member of an online dating site.  

By now, you may be thinking, OMFG, would you just quit bitching about online dating and get off it (that's what she said).  I acknowledge the annoyance, but let's face it, there are some weird ass people out there.  They may not pee in fitting rooms or steal things, hell, maybe they do.  All I know is people post weird shit online and need help.  So, I acknowledge this is my heterosexually biased list, but here it is.  This list is based on previous discussions with my old roommate, Kelly.  The top 10 things your momma should have told you not to do in online dating land.  Feel free to add to this in the comments section if I missed anything Swinggles (you know you always can!!).   

Your momma should have told you not to:

10.  Post profile pictures with a lady in it.  I don't care if it is your Great Aunt Marcia and you are kneeling down by her wheel chair at her 80th birthday party.  Stop posting things with other ladies.  Let's be real, it is usually some friend or something.  I get it you have friends.  I like that, but come on, this is a dating website.  It is like looking at a house you are going to buy; you want to be able to picture yourself in (haha) it.  I can't do that with another girl smiling while she drapes her arm around some guy I'm scoping. 

9.  Write laundry lists of what you are not looking for.  This is kind of ironic, but I at least saved it for a blog.  On one of the websites I'm using it says something like "You should message me if..." and you fill in the space with whatever.  One person said people should message him if they weren't weird, worked out, didn't have children, didn't smile too much, had a clear path in life, played solitaire regularly (ok, I made that one up) blah, blah, blah.  I know people have the right to do this.  That's fine.  Maybe he just knew what he wanted.  I get that and will say he is probably engaged right now, but seriously, I voted him off my island.  

8. Message a woman and say things like, "Care for an encounter???"  No explanation needed. 

7. Post a profile picture you took of yourself in the mirror.  There is something creepy about these.  I especially hate the shirtless ones.  

6. Excessively comment about how much you LOVE running and working out.  Please.  (This comes to you from my old roommate Kelly).  

5. Call yourself an entrepreneur when you are really unemployed.  I'm not saying you have to skywrite you are unemployed on the website, but don’t lie.  That is just tacky. 

4.  Use the “About Me” section to fulfill your aspirations of writing your memoir.  Seriously, I saw a post the other day that was about 10 pages long.  I just didn’t care after the 2nd paragraph. 

3.  Select BeaverEater69 as your username.  REALLY?!? Really?!?

2.  Take pictures of your bulge.  I mean, save it for  Maybe some ladies enjoy this, but I just want to recommend a good therapist for these people. 

1.  Message a woman under the pretense that you and your “friend” are leaving the country soon and want to try your shot at a threesome.  This seriously happened to myself and a number of other ladies in the online world.