Growing up, I was obsessed with romantic comedies and heartfelt television shows with an emotional climax (pun intended). Some of my most coveted scenes have ruined my realistic expectations for what someone will do for my love to a pretty high degree. You're probably thinking, "Wow, those are movies and television weirdo." This I know, but I can't help it that I still dream of a Jake Ryan-esque individual showing up to give me my underwear back or that Jordan Catalano type trying to hold my hand. Hell, I even kind of hope for an Adventures in Babysitting ending where the hot guy I met at an event shows up to return something to me and background music fades into 'And then he kisses me.' (For additional romantic scenes, see also Dylan McKay and Brenda Walsh's first date 90210 episode and multiple episodes involving Casey and Cappie from Abc Family's Greek). I'm not completely devoid of reality and know that most of these events will never happen, even if based solely on the fact that I'm way past my age limit for it to. Yet, I do want some sort of romance. Isn't that what most of these scenes convey? Someone taking an interest in another, being interested in their quirks and still going for it. Well, this probably still happens, but lately my encounters have been anything but. These scenes are nice to foster a sense of hope (I mean why else would I youtube them over and over). They don't, however, prepare you for the opposite end of the spectrum. By this, of course, I mean online dating. Nothing and I mean nothing, prepared me for what I would find in my online dating adventures.
Last night I went on date three with, I'll call him, Herman. Herman is a fairly decent looking guy with a respectable job who consistently emailed me back. We went out two times before and had a fairly good time. I mean I didn't want to immediately take my top off when we hung out, but I figured this was a sign of maturity. Let's be real, college is long since gone and so is that 6'5", mutton chopped dreamboat who paid for my cup at a few keg parties, leaving me all a flutter. I'm an adult now with standards. Still trying to figure out my feelings for Herman, I decided to ask him to a movie and dinner at my place before. He offered to bring dinner in which he would "surprise me." My heart melted at this gesture leaving me to question, "Is this my Jake Ryan driving in his Taurus to steal my heart?"
He wasn't. Two seconds after he entered my apartment I wanted to punch him in the face and eat a bag of chicken strips to heal my wounds. Herman put the capital D in douchebag. He walked in and his first statement was, "Wow, this building and the hallway look really terrible, but your apartment looks nice inside." SERIOUSLY!! It didn't end there. Within the first 15 minutes he managed to insult my dog, make 2 comments beginning with, "Not to be racist...followed by a racist statement", and asking me a few times if I get super bored and completely lonely being by myself in my apartment on the weekend.
Now, I'm not trying to criticize this guy, because I genuinely think he is well meaning, just completely clueless. The slight digs continued. He looked at my books and said, "Hmmmm, your books really make me think you are into philosophy." Granted, I love philosophy. I mean, my pantie dropping book (Pantie dropping book (PDP): A book being read by someone in a public area resulting in an instantaneous reaction by the observer to remove undergarments and hump the individual. See also: Geek groupie), is a philosophy book (sorry cheeky monkeys, no specific information on what this book might be will be provided). Anyway, his answer was not "Hey, not my style, but good for you." It was a scoff followed by, "That's basically the opposite of me. I only read presidential biographies." Good for him, eye roll. My response because I'm done at this point, "I almost bought a biography on Lincoln's life when I went on a girls trip to Springfield, IL this summer." Yes, it was passive aggressive, but he was asking for it.
The final nail in the coffin, however, came after we viewed a movie. In the car ride home, he began critizing teachers. My mom is a teacher of which he is aware, but not. Needless to say, when his car pulled to a full stop it was everything I could not to do a lunge and roll out of the car.
Well, back to the drawing board. Herman isn't even the worst of my dating disasters. There have been many, which you will eventually read about. And even though it didn't work out with good ole Herman, I am sure I will one day find my Jake, Jordan, Dylan McKay or Cappie. Afterall, going through the growing pains of dating only prepares us for being able to spot that one good apple reading our PDP.