Sunday, March 6, 2011

Stephanie Swinggle Selects a Series of Stupid Suitors

A few years ago I decided it was time to get a dog.  I was really excited about the prospect of doing it and did all my research in order to make a good decision.  I lived in a big city at the time, so I knew I needed something small, potty trained, non-shedding, and good tempered.  I also knew I wanted to adopt a dog from a local shelter.  Every week, for about a month, I visited the pound looking among the adorable pooches, but never quite feeling like I'd met the "one".  Finally, after weeks of looking, I met Petey.  I remember that day like it was yesterday.  It was puppy day at the shelter.  The local visitors were captivated by the adorable little pooches who did not have a history and were just waiting for a home.  I browsed by them and they were cute, but not my dog.  I looked in a cage next to the puppies at a curly, white little dog cowering at the commotion from the puppy buzz.  I glanced at his information card the shelter provided and noticed all of the criteria I was looking for was selected.   Instantly, I knew he was my dog.  Petey was everything I was looking for in a furry companion.  He has been a great dog and we continue to be good pals.  Let me just say, I pick out a good dog.   

While I have stellar skills selecting a dog, I have terrible skills selecting a suitor.  Maybe it is because life is not like the pound.  You can have an idea or criteria for the type of person you are looking for, but there is no information card that checks off behaviors/skills/temperament based on previous observations.  Online dating offers some of this, but much like puppy hunting it takes time.  Unlike the pound, however, you can't just spend 30 minutes with your date say, "No thanks" and have him put back in his kennel.  Usually, you have to suffer through some sort of awkward encounter.  Boy, have I had a series of awkward encounters.

Last post you heard about my most recent adventure, but there have been a series of them.  Before Herman, there was Jake.  Jake was a 30-year-old program developer for an area company.  He loved programming and loved himself more.  This date was probably the worst out of all of them.  He was super tall (which was good for him because it made it easier to look down on people), super into himself, and super rude.  Right away, I knew we were not a good match.  He came in and instantly seemed uninterested.  That's cool.  Sometimes people just aren't a match.  He came in looking for puppies and found something sassier.  We started talking about our interests.  He droned on about only watching documentaries on Netflix.  I'm not talking about wanting to get a little culture documentaries, but I intentionally want to judge people for not watching these obscure documentaries, documentaries.  Doing an inner eye roll, I pretended to seem interested.  He then began asking where I went in the area and I told him.  He started talking to me about how he used to go to some of the places I mentioned, but since becoming a vegan had shunned all of it.  He followed this up with a discussion about the downfall America as a result of our obsession with consumerism to which I brilliantly said, "Oh, I guess you wouldn't like the fact that I attend Black Friday shopping at Walmart with my mom and sister each year."  Needless to say, he bolted soon after.

Then there was Mark.  Mark was sweet enough and we went out twice, but I'm pretty sure he was gay.
Before Mark was Kent.  Kent was an interesting one.  He worked for a group of attorneys in the area.  He was a nice guy, but strange.  First, I should have known we wouldn't be a match if not else for his annoyingly weak chin.  If you know me you know there are two things I can't stand in searching for a partner, a weak chin and someone who despises the television show Scrubs. (Ok, so maybe not only these two things, but if you don't even pass these criteria, forget about it.)  Anyway, he started the date upset because the place we originally were going to go was having a band night.  This of course messed up his outfit, which he intended for the first place and did not translate to our final meeting place.  Needless to say, I spent a majority of the date reassuring him that 1) The place we ended up was fine 2) His outfit was fine for the place we were in 3) It was ok he loved Star Trek.  The date also felt more like an interview.  At any minute in the date, I was sure he was going to ask me my strengths and weaknesses as his dating candidate.  Ugghh, oh well.

There have been many before these suitors and each of these men had strengths, but just weren't what I was looking for.  I sometimes think of how easy it was for me to figure out which dog was meant for me and I grow frustrated that I can't have the same luck in dating.  I mean, maybe there should be a facility where single people go where there are check boxes highlighting criteria.  Just kidding.  I do have to remember I spent months looking and comparing dogs.  The right one will come up eventually.  Until then, I will continue with my Selection of Stupid Suitors. 

1 comment:

  1. Remember that dogs lack the ego that men have. Dogs love you because you feed, walk, and love them. Men want a little more than food,exercise, and affection, beside there are more breeds of dogs than men.